i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
