Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
