Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
