its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
