I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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