Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
