..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
