i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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