Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
