I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
