At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
