literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
