found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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