I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize