State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
That reminds me...we need to get swords
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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