There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
