i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
