I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
