if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
