I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
