My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
