i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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