U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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