When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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