How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
