so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
