He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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