Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
