i think i have two assholes
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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