sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
