Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
