My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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