Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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