dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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