You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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