i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
