Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
