Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im six kinds of drunk right now
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
