i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
are you so shy because you have an std?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Houston, we have a squirter
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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