I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
