Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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