I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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