I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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