turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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