I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
