WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
