hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
