It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
