I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
