Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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