Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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