Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
