took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Bring me that man meat
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony