You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
