I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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